11.29.06
Can’t Quite Grow Up
Or: Joe’s perpetual fear of displeasing his parents
I remember going to Disney World when I was fifteen, just young enough to enjoy the fun without getting too wise to the con. Before the trip there was a feature about ‘Gay Days’ on the news, which apparently coincided with our trip. There was some rearranging of which parks to visit on which days, specifically to avoid Gay Days. I know that parents often want to wait to discuss certain issues until children are ‘old enough,’ whatever that means, but surely the existence of gay people isn’t one of these things. I hope that it wasn’t simple disgust with homosexuality that changed our trip plans, because that would just be far too disheartening.
Either way, though, I disagree with Mom and Dad’s decision to make last minute changes to avoid Gay Days. There are quite a few things that I disagree with my parents about but, like Gay Days, have never discussed with them. For some reason I have a deep and abiding fear of conflicting with my parents, especially with my father. It’s not just a normal aversion to confrontation - I get unsettled and have even made myself sick thinking about this stuff. I have vivid dreams of getting thrown out of the house (and I don’t even live there any more). My dad’s yelling about ‘deciding what kind of person you want to be,’ and my mom is doing a characteristically bad job of holding back her emotion. I really don’t think anything like this would happen if my parents suddenly knew all the things that I believe that they believe are wrong, but it doesn’t make me feel any less ill. What’s wrong with me?
My friends-who-are-the-progeny-of-divorced-parents (FWAPDP) will surely roll their eyes and say ‘Boo-hoo Joe’ to this, but I think that a lot of my fear stems from the fact that my family life has always been good. I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard my parents have an actual fight, and I’ve certainly never seen them yell at each other. My dad’s usually a very calm guy, but his eruptions of anger are such a departure that they scare me deeply. I think I’m just always waiting for an explosion like that; I fear that it’s always just ready to go off. Consequently, I minimize anything that I think my parents will find ‘bad’ and play up things that they like. You might call it good marketing, but it feels dishonest.